He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
