you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
