My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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