I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
