i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
