I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
