I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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