apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
