I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
