I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
