I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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