Non-Jews are for practice
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
