I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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