I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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