does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
