I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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