Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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