every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
