Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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