I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
