I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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