OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
