I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
