I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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