Ambien. No doubt about it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
