So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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