He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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