forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
