So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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