Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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