You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
