quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize