I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
