I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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