You smell like a Billy Joel song
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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