when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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