plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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