If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
