so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
