I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
