Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
