How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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