I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
