I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
