You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
