Sober January is a disaster.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
why is half of my head shaved?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
