Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
