Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
