Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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