I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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