She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
