Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
