You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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