im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
