He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize