Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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