My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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