I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
