Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
