I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
