You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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